04/30/24

my last serious relationship ended in February 2022. since then, I have spent time on and off the various dating apps, depending on how my mental health is being affected by them.

I have gone out with EIGHTEEN (18) guys since I ended things with my last boyfriend. some of these have only been one or two dates, some have gone up to four or five dates, but besides one boy I went out with for two months last year, I have not been in anything serious.

and that is FINE. like I feel like I’m trying to convince myself that it’s fine because it truly is fine. like …. they’re literally just boys. I feel like the struggle comes from investing time into a person and then things not working out the way you hoped/planned in your head.

for example, I’ve been talking to this guy since mid/late February 2024. very consistent communication, we text everyday, but have only gone out five times (usually because one or both of us were out of town, holiday weekends, etc – NOT just because we were both sitting around with no plans but not hanging out with each other). we’ve gone to dinner, a movie, a basketball game, and most recently he came over to my apartment to watch movies.

anyway, five dates over the course of two months, very consistent texting, but no moves were being made – not even a little peck on the cheek. like, this man literally stayed at my apartment till 2:30am and let me rest his head on his shoulder but still hadn’t tried to kiss me?? so I finally built up the courage to ask if he saw things romantically or platonically and he said “I really enjoy spending time with you and would like to continue to do so and get to know you even more. to answer your question more directly, I guess maybe am a bit more platonic right now but I’d like to take things slow and see where they go”

which to me is I guess not the worst answer I could have gotten, but definitely not the best. and also confusing and a bit of mixed signals if I’m being honest. and you know, while I do think he’s being sincere, and I’m not going to “punish” him for not liking me, I can’t really wait around forever to see if his feelings change, can I? I feel like that’s setting myself up for hurt and frustration down the line. so I guess while I’m still open to seeing him, I also need to remind myself that I’m not gonna be told that someone doesn’t want me twice.

I don’t know what the point of this post is. I guess to just rant and clear my head? I feel so many things right now – pride at seeking clarification when I needed it; embarrassment from being shot down; sadness I guess at the inherent rejection of it; frustration that I’ve invested a lot of time into someone who isn’t that interested me; apprehensiveness at having to put myself out there; fear that I’m destined to be a spinster.

just a lot of things all at once and I’m really not trying to be a brat about it because I KNOW I am loved and have so much love in my life. the life I have and the relationships I’ve cultivated are things I only could have ever DREAMED of. and inherently, I will be okay no matter what my path is. just wanted to put these thoughts out there …. any other lonely peeps reading this, this too shall pass.

things I am grateful for: the courage to start again; my self worth to know what I deserve; and the love I already have in my life, should I choose to look for it.

• – Mia