02/16/23

yesterday I went to therapy and after listening to me talk for awhile, my therapist said to me: “I think you’re depressed.” which, I’m sure even casual readers of this blog are like “no shit, Sherlock,” and I think I already knew that myself. but sometimes I think there’s a tendency to WebMD ourselves and over-exaggerate things when we don’t need to. so it was a both a relief and a heartache to hear her say that to me – a relief because yeah, these feelings are so real and recognizable to a licensed professional, and also a heartache because I’ve been trying to convince myself that everything is fine.

I am SO frustrated with myself for feeling this way. on paper, my life is great – the degrees, the license, the job, the apartment – these are all good things. but my therapist was saying that part of it is like, I had all these goals and suddenly I reached them all and now it’s like … now what? and it’s 101 changes all at once and by minimizing my feelings, I’m not giving myself space to process and essentially grieve my old life. I just feel stupid for being sad about this stuff, there are so many people out there that are going through way worse things. which my therapist responded with, anyone can say that – just because there are other people going through other hard things, doesn’t mean the feelings I’m having aren’t real or valid. it just sucks and it’s funny (not funny ha ha, but funny ironic) because I know if one of my friends came to me feeling depressed for the exact same reasons as me, I would shower them with grace and love. and I can’t seem to do that for myself. how funny and hurtful and stupid that my brain is my biggest bully at this juncture in my life.

to add to that, I think I’m going through a friend breakup of sorts. I have this one friend that I spend so much time with (this has been a lifelong thing I do, I will gravitate towards one person and spend a lot of time and energy towards that friendship) and lately I realized that I’m using this person as sort of an emotional crutch, and that I’m allowing their opinions to have way more weight and deference than everyone else in my life, when it really shouldn’t. it’s not fair to me or to them, and I think some space will be good to allow those boundaries to become more clear and for that person’s opinion to sink back in with the masses. so like, it’s not like they are no longer my friend, I just feel like I need to spend less time with them – which I know ultimately will be good, but will also suck, because as I’ve said – we spend a lot of time together. so now I need to figure out how to fill my time in a more productive manner.

things are tough right now and I’m tired of feeling this way and I’m tired of being tired, but I know that this will pass and will make me stronger and it WILL be okay. it just will, it just will.

things I am grateful for: my therapist; my insurance; this blog where I allow myself to vent and sort through my thoughts.