02/14/23

happy Valentine’s Day! I really enjoy this holiday, even when I myself don’t have a valentine. I think it’s nice and beautiful seeing people celebrate their love and significant others.

I don’t consider myself to be a very envious person, mostly because I understand that just because someone has something I want, that doesn’t mean that I won’t be able to have it too someday. basically, seeing my friends and others in happy, healthy, loving relationships does not mean that I will not be in one of my own someday too. my friends are so wonderful and they are in relationships that fill their hearts, and in getting to witness that, my heart is full too.

additionally, I think you really limit the beauty of Valentine’s Day if you restrict yourself to only celebrating romantic love. I love so many people – my friends, my family, my sweet baby pug – and I know that there are so many people who love me. if you are a Valentine’s Day hater I would really urge you to reevaluate your outlook on your relationships, because I feel like there’s probably (hopefully) a lot of love you are overlooking in your own life.

that all being said, Valentine’s Day as a romantic holiday does kind of stress me out. when I was a sophomore in high school I was talking to this boy from my church. he was (is) so great and we’d been talking for a few weeks by the time the holiday rolled around. so like, we were definitely interested in each other, but not officially dating, but also I was (am) an anxious person so honestly Valentine’s Day approaching was stressing me out. and then – he didn’t text me or call me or anything of the sort, and I was SO relieved that this holiday hadn’t exerted any influence over this slowly budding romance that was only a few weeks in the making.

SIKE. imagine my shock/surprise/anxious HORROR when this sweet, lovely boy showed up at my DOORSTEP with flowers and chocolates and a teddy bear!! his older brother had driven him to my house (we were sophomores so neither of us drove yet) and was waiting in the car while this sweet boy came in and asked me to be his girlfriend!! and obviously, this was such a sweet gesture and I’m not trying to be a bitch about this guy showing up at my door – but it was just too soon into us talking and I was such an anxious and awkward person and I’d never dated anyone or had a boyfriend before and his brother was literally sitting in the car waiting – like I feel like in another universe this would’ve happened three or four weeks later into us talking and it would’ve been totally fine. anyway, obviously I said yes to being his girlfriend and I remembered he tried to kiss me and I was so scared because how the hell was I supposed to know how to kiss someone?? and I think he left shortly thereafter.

we dated for like two months and don’t get me wrong this guy was so great but I felt like everyone at church was always watching us and it was just so stressful and embarrassing and I remember going on a triple date with him and his two brothers and their girlfriends and they purposely made us sit at a different table so they could watch us LMFAO why is being in high school so stupid!!! anyway, after like two months I broke up with him and this is honestly one of my biggest regrets in life.

not the breaking up with him part, I don’t regret that but it was HOW I broke up with him – like I still think about it to this day, I’ve even discussed my shame and guilt over this at therapy before LOL. but like I said, neither of us drove so I had my dad pick him up, bring him to my house, where I then DUMPED him, and then had sit and wait with him until his mom could come get him!! literally the cruelty of this act has stuck with me for so long and I wish I could go back in time to have the courage and grace to at least have broken up with him in his own home. if my first ever boyfriend ever stumbles across this blog and sees this – and you know who you are – just know I am deeply, deeply sorry for being so callous with your heart back when we were sophomores.

and that’s why unless I am in a pre-established relationship, Valentine’s Day as a romantic holiday will always haunt me slightly. but overall, what I initially said stands – it is a wonderful day to love and be loved. I hope you take the time to see all the love in your life today.

things I am grateful for: dark chocolate; witnessing people experience loving relationships; and teddy bears.