02/08/23

I had a friend comment that I haven’t posted on my blog in awhile, and I did not have a good reason for my lack of posting, so I figured I would sit down and write something.

honestly, I just feel like I have nothing to say. as the title of this post might have hinted at, I just feel like a broken record, like I’m stuck moving in a circle. this season of my life, and all these changes, has been so hard. and I feel like I’ll have these really good stretches where I feel like I’m adjusting really well to living alone, I’m doing well at my job, basically where I feel like I’m just really figuring it out.

and then within in a few days it will change and I will just feel so, so sad and lonely. which I’ve already written about and lamented about before. it’s just so many changes – I no longer have my identity as a student, I have my first real job, I just moved out a few months ago – it’s a lot for anyone. but I feel like I am wearing people down when I talk about it – I have written, and talked, and complained, and cried, and all other sorts of things, about this transitionary period of my life with so many people. and I feel like I’m just being annoying talking about the same shit all the time.

recently, I was crying while explaining the above to someone I am very close to (I seem to cry a lot in this season of life). and this person basically told me, “we’re in our 20s. everyone is lonely and everyone feels like they don’t know what they’re doing. I have a lot of empathy, but I have no sympathy for you. it’s up to you to figure out how you’re going to get yourself out of this hole.” and that pretty much solidified the notion that I am wearing everyone down talking about how hard I am struggling to adjust with everything that’s happening around me. (this person also said I’m a bad listener and pretty much only talk to hear my own voice, so who knows, maybe I didn’t even hear them right.) it just made me feel shitty and lonely and like a burden.

I know that there is not a single person out there that has good days all the time. and I know that eventually the good days will be more frequent, and the bad days will be few and far between. and eventually, I will no longer feel like I am cycling back and forth on this broken record. but I think I just needed to get this out there in the open, and apologize in advance because I already know this will not be the last time I write about these particular topics.

things I am grateful: friends who buy appetizers for the table; crispy chicken sandwiches; and my newly purchased Keurig coffee maker.