01/10/23

yesterday I had therapy for the first time since the end of November (I was supposed to go mid-December but it got cancelled) and it was very much needed. I would say I cried steadily for the entire hour, explaining to my therapist how lonely I feel.

I don’t mind discussing my mental health with others, but ideally I like talking about my struggles once the struggle is over. I would very much rather be like, “man, those last 3-4 weeks were SO SO hard, but I got it all sorted out and now I can look back at it and tell you this with a smile on my face.” but sometimes I just can’t get to that point by myself. what is so difficult about being lonely is that obviously the way to work through that is to be with other people, but I feel like when I tell other people I’m lonely, their invites to hang out stem from a place of pity. even though rationally I know that’s not true, the brain can be a cruel place.

my whole life has changed and transitioned so rapidly in a matter of a few short months, and I think that has been something I am still trying to adjust and grapple with. I’ve reached out to a few friends about how I am feeling, plus therapy, plus writing in this blog, so I’m hoping that I start to feel less weepy in the coming days. if you just keep going in a straight line, you will get out eventually. I’ve been here before, I’ve made it out before – my track record for getting through bad days is 100%.

nothing is stronger than a small hope that doesn’t give up.

things I am grateful for: books; therapy; and friends who will listen when I need them the most.