01/09/23

it’s been a long time since I’ve written in this blog – but don’t fret, I’m not planning on writing 21 blog posts in an attempt to catch up. I don’t think I’m going to hold myself to writing in this everyday either, I think I need to show myself more grace than that.

lately I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster, one that oscillates wildly between contentment/pride and extreme loneliness.

obviously I’m proud of myself. I’ve worked my ass off for YEARS to get where I am now. I graduated 3rd in my class in high school, which helped me qualify for automatic admission to my college. then I hustled in college to earn a large enough scholarship to go to law school. then law school was just a never-ending grind, culminating in 10 monstrous weeks of studying for the bar. so really the past decade of my life has been spent trying to get to the point where I am at today. so obviously I am proud of myself – I have the degrees, the law license, the job, the apartment – I recognize how good those things are. and I am self-aware enough to recognize that I don’t want to be in a serious relationship right now – for the first time in forever, my only responsibility is myself. not school, not extracurriculars, not studying – I just don’t want to jump right into a relationship when for the first time in a long time, I can just do what I want to do.

but on the other hand, I am so so lonely. like I am definitely still adjusting to living alone, and it is hard. and it feels silly to be struggling with that because my family is here, my friends are here, but at the end of the day, I still go home to an empty apartment. my brother moved back home, so obviously I know I can go home whenever I want, but it will always just be to visit and hang out. and then I will leave and be by myself and the three of them will continue to have those little moments that make up living with someone else. I just feel like I don’t see anybody – I recognize that we are all so busy with our own lives but it feels like everyone has a person that they go home to at the end of the day, so there’s no reason to reach out to me. I feel like everyone I care about has someone they care about more than me, like I don’t have a person. but like I said, I don’t want to jump into a relationship just for the sake of being in one because I’m lonely – that’s not fair to me or to the other person. it’s just really tough and isolating, and I’m sure there’s also some standard run-of-the-mill seasonal depression adding to all of this.

I have one friend that I could easily say I spend 4-5 days a week with, but he told me the other day that he wants to move to a different city sometime in April or May. and nothing has even happened yet, it’s just something he wants to do, and I am already sad and anxious about that. like this is so selfish to say, but if he leaves then I’ll be even more lonely than I am now, which like I said, is SO selfish of me. obviously I will support him in whatever he wants to do, but that has been stressing me out too, the thought of being even more alone than I already am.

so yeah – a lot of emotional whiplash at the moment. I know I have a lot to be proud of, and I am content with the way a lot of things are working out in my life. but I am also really lonely, and adjusting to living alone, and dealing with some big feelings lately. this was a hard one for me to write.

things I am grateful for: being back in the office; knowing that this too shall pass; and the belief that everything that is happening now is happening for my ultimate good.