12/08/22

I debated writing this blog post because I worried that it might be too personal, but then I remembered that I literally started this blog for myself and my thoughts. so write it I shall, and if any readers out there who stumble across this find themselves feeling uncomfortable, you should probably reexamine your own unconscious biases you have regarding mental health.

anyway, when I was a senior in college I went through a “major depressive episode” (my therapist’s words, not mine). she pulled out the DSM-5 during one of our sessions and ran through a checklist of questions about day-to-day activities and how much anxiety I felt when thinking about them. long story short, I scored really high and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, in addition to suffering from seasonal affective disorder (I’ve discussed this in an earlier post, but basically seasonal depression). so that kickstarted a whole mess of having to try to get an appointment with my PCP so that I could ask about potentially getting on some type of anxiety medication because my therapist couldn’t prescribe me anything (the American healthcare system sucks!)

I started taking anxiety medication in January 2019 and it changed everything for me. I understand that people experience anxiety daily and that there are millions of people out there with anxiety disorders. everyone has a different experience, but for me, it’s like I would get stuck on a loop. like if I had a list of 10 things to do, I couldn’t do anything besides think about how I was going to get those things done. “if I leave my house at this time and go this route, I can knock #2 off my list, then if I finish #4 in this amount of time, I can stop and also finish #6. okay, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to leave my house at this time and go this route, that way I can knock #2 off my list. then I need to finish #4 ….” all day long. and that was just one aspect of my anxiety.

I spent so much of my life fretting over social interactions too. I would have a conversation with someone and then spend the rest of the day analyzing it over and over. “did I make enough eye contact, did my smile seem genuine, did I respond appropriately, did I seem nice, was I funny enough, did they think I was weird …”. there was so much going on inside my head during conversations that I would be so so drained afterwards, where all I wanted to do was lie down and cry.

starting anxiety medicine changed my life. obviously I am still an anxious person, and I still struggle with anxiety and depression. but I can actually leave things unfinished, I can adapt to things out of my control, my brain doesn’t get stuck on a loop every time I have a list of things to do. I can talk to people, I can make people laugh, I can take a joke. I can still CLEARLY recall moments that I feel are embarrassing or humiliating that occurred prior to me starting medicine (which probably weren’t even that bad) but honestly there is nothing post-meds that stands out to me. like my brain is just … nicer to me. and that’s nice.

I can’t say enough good things about going to therapy or taking medication for your mental health. I am a huge supporter and advocate of taking care of yourself, stigmas be damned. you have to be your number one advocate, you have to know that you are worth taking care of and feeling good, both physically and mentally.

things I am grateful for: my anxiety medication; therapy; and post-work naps on the couch.